Dear Dr. Atiku Abubakar,
Congratulations on becoming Candidate Atiku! I almost can’t believe you did it after all that was said and done.
I sometimes argue with those my co-members at the free readers association (you know; the rickety, little newsstand by the side of the dirty gutter at the corner of the bus-stop where I go to every morning to shout down other members in the name of national discourse) that you will go all the way to Aso Rock.
It’s not like it’s a complicated prediction. We only have a red ball and a blue ball in the box. So the probability of picking a red ball is equal to that of picking a blue one.
But I had to avoid the newsstand for a week after one mad man threatened to stab me to death for predicting victory for you. I cannot come and die for you since I am not your friend, yet.
Remember how you said during a meeting that you would not enrich your family but you would enrich your friends?
I hereby apply to be your “bestest” friend aka BFF, aka Best Friends Forever (in the event that you win).
I am a young Nigerian. I left my native Plateau state more than 10 years ago to look for a better life. It appears that I am blessed with foresight because if I had stayed back in my village and engaged in the occupation of my forefathers namely farming, I would have become as frustrated as my brothers whose crops seem to be too delicious to pass up by wandering cattle.
Year after year, it is the same never-ending cycle of farm produce munched by hungry livestock.
My decision to leave my village had nothing to do with the story my mother is telling that when I was small, I used to cry the equivalent of River Taraba whenever the morning call to go to the farm was made.
The truth is that I left to explore other possibilities (a person cannot put all his eggs in one farming basket). And I very nearly made it, except that the environment is not conducive at all for small businesses.
Problem 1: I have to generate electricity by myself to run the business, so every other day, I share my income with the fuel station at the junction.
Problem 2: The revenue collection people will not allow me to rest. I don’t understand why they always show up just before Christmas, New Year, Easter, Sallah and such occasions, asking for all kinds of nonsensical payments even though I have paid those same levies couched in different names.
Problem 3: We taxed ourselves for the installation of a borehole on our premises to provide water. It was either that or go to the bush to answer the call of nature when at work.
Why do I have to provide water for myself? Isn’t that what the country is supposed to do for me while I pay all those levies in number 2 above? What’s next; I should construct the road to my 1-bedroom flat as well?
Besides, wasn’t there a report about a year ago that indiscriminate borehole drilling is causing earth tremors in some parts of the country?
Problem 4: But the final straw is that in all the seven years of operating my business, last December was the only time I did not give my two workers end-of-year bonus because customers dwindled citing hardship.
That’s why I am appealing through this application letter, that you make us, average Nigerians, your bestest friends since you said yourself that your friends are the people you are going to enrich.
Once we are all rich we won’t have to worry about bad roads or poor electricity supply. We can all pack up and take extended vacations in another man’s country or buy up choice properties in Dubai.
I hope my application is considered favourably.
Thank you in anticipation of your positive response.
Sincerely,
The Average Nigerian